Asian Women in Asia: A Dating & Marriage Guide
for Westerners
by Jack Flowers
Welcome to the most extensive, comprehensive and helpful free article anywhere about dating Asian women!
This article contains four sections:
* Introduction
* FAQs
* Country-by-country profile of dating in East Asia
* Meeting venues and visas: practical advice
Introduction
First of all, what do I mean by “Westerners?" In East Asia, “Western” refers to a Caucasian from North America, Europe, Australia or New Zealand. In this article the term “Asian” will refer to East Asia and “Oriental” women, with the notable exception that Malaysia and Singapore both have a substantial Indian minority.
Do Asian women in Asia welcome other ethnic groups besides Asian and Western? The answer is yes, but not always. They are especially popular in Japan, where handsome and smooth-talking African-American men are particularly sought after among many of the trendier Tokyo beauties. (Smooth talk goes a long way in Japan, but more about that later.)
And who am I to be giving out advice? What can I say--except that I have spent 34 years living in 10 countries worldwide outside the U.S. I dated Asians--Indians, Malays, Chinese, Thais, Filipinas and Japanese--for many years before finally marrying, at age 43, a Chinese from Malaysia. We were married for 13 years. I am divorced now, but that had nothing to do with our being from different cultures. My current paramour is from Thailand.
Asian women--except for those in Japan, which is a unique society--generally don’t play the games American women do. They either like you or they don’t. If they’re not interested in you, they don’t waste everybody’s time playing games. In that case a polite goodbye is the order of the day. If they do like you, on the other hand, they don’t waste your time being confused. The attitude is this: if two people like each other, let’s get on with it. I don’t mean you should necessarily expect to become intimate on the first date. You have to show some respect. But you’ll be rewarded very soon, within two or three dates (often only one).You’ll be rewarded not only with sex but with love.
Three important points: (a) Asians are very close to their families. It helps to ingratiate yourself with your girlfriend's family if that's what she desires. (b) Great news: outside of Japan, your age is generally not a factor. I mean that. (c) For information about dating Asian-Americans, I recommend the down-loadable book How to Date an Asian Woman (by another author). This book complements my article because while the former is strictly about dating in East Asia, the latter is very useful for USA-based relationships. It covers not only dating itself (in greater detail) but also the cultural and religious backdrops--explanations, for example, of Buddhism and how it influences the values and behaviors of Asians.
FAQs
Q--Is it true that Asian women are passive and obedient?
A--No. They simply affect a more reserved and modest behavior than what you're used to with Western women. Asian women, especially Chinese, are nobody’s kitchen slaves, so forget about it if that’s what you’re after. Certainly, many like to cook for you. But many don’t, and besides, you’d better help out in the kitchen. In short, be prepared to treat your Asian girlfriend or wife the way you want to be treated, or be prepared to be rejected.
Q--Aren’t they mostly bargirls, since these countries are so poor?
A--Another dumb stereotype. You’ll find bargirls in Bangkok and other places, but why bother with them when there are so many real Asian women available? I never dated anybody whose time I had to pay for, and neither should you. I don’t understand the Western men who do that in Asia. How--shall we say--unnecessary. Furthermore, many Asian countries are not the poor places they used to be. They don’t need us to rescue them from anything. Which brings me to the next question:
Q--Ok, so why do some Asian women seem to go for Western men?
A--Western men are often thought of as treating women better and more as equals; as more romantic and sexually passionate than local men. Yes--as equals. That’s why it’s a gross error to think you can go look for an Asian woman to be your 1950s Hollywood fantasy of coy little housekeeper.
Q--Are Asian women really so coy and cutsie-girlish, like in the old movies?
A--No. They’re sexy and sophisticated. Forget the silly stereotypes you see in the old movies, and TV shows such as MASH. They are about as accurate as portraying Wall Street brokers with ten-gallon cowboy hats yelling “Wahl, howdy ma’am. Hoo-wee! This here derivative is buckin’ like a bronc!” Hollywood can’t even get the accents right. To this day, the Asians on TV and in film have stock phony accents they pull off the shelf. And I refused to watch the film version of Memoirs of a Geisha because the lead cast is dominated by Chinese, not Japanese, and these ladies could never even pass for Japanese. Their features are very typically Chinese. Personally, I would prefer to watch Chinese beauties, but come on...where's the authenticity?
Q--What percentage of Asian women actually like Western men? Surely, some prefer their own?
A--Correct. I would say, in general, only 10 to 20% of women in East Asian countries would prefer to date or marry a Western man. That doesn’t mean that the other 80% never would. Perhaps most would not, being more comfortable in their own culture. Others simply don’t know much about other cultures.
Q--So how do I find the ones who like westerners?
A--In order of preference, (1) Find a local friend who can introduce you. That’s how I “got started,” if you will, in Malaysia. (2) Obviously, if you are good at chatting with strangers, find out where the best night spots are for meeting women. I was sitting outside a Hard Rock Café in Kuala Lumpur one evening when a friend of mine said “Oh, lots of sexy girls in the disco room downstairs.” I went down to find a beautiful Sarawakian (East Malaysian) staring at me. Normally I am absolutely terrible at talking to strange women in bars. I am shy and don’t like to bother people. But her smile and stare were so welcoming that I went up to chat, and we went out the next night. It’s so much easier than in the U.S. No pickup lines needed, and it’s not necessary to make her laugh, although that always helps. American women demand that men entertain them with stand-up comic routines. Phooey on that. (3) Try any local brick-and-mortar introduction agencies. (4) The Internet is extremely helpful for arranging meetings before and after you arrive. Some of the best I have used are www.filipinofriendfinder.com, www.asiafriendfinder.com, www.chinalovematch.net, http://www.chnlove.com. There are many, many others. Just Google “Asian dating” or “Chinese women” or “Find Asian girls” or whatever. If you wish to find an Asian within the United States, www.match.com is a great place to start. You can set your search parameters by ethnicity.
Caution: NEVER send money to someone you’ve never met. The scammers (particularly in the Philippines) roam the Internet by the hundreds looking to separate you from your money. “Sure, honey, I’ll be on my way to the airport tomorrow to meet you in Manila.. I just need flight ticket money and taxi money, blah blah blah...” Or “Darling, I can only afford two minutes a day at an internet café. Can you help me buy a computer so we can be together online until we really meet? We can share our love together with a webcam, blah blah blah…” Some scammers are she-males: now there’s a double-scam for you--you lose your money to a woman who’s not even a woman!
Q--What about the ones who do prefer a Western man. Do they just want rich guys and professionals?
A--There is a general preference for educated professionals, yes, because the Western expats who work in Asia are mostly well-paid professionals or businessmen. But even if you are a poorly paid English instructor at a local university, at least it’s a university, and you have some prestige. Most expats living in Asia have prestige through their jobs. The sad exceptions are those lower-qualified English teachers in the language-schools. What a rat race that is, and without local prestige. Avoid like the plague. As for tourists? Tourists are tourists, and they’ll be leaving soon, which makes them less attractive in a local woman’s eyes. But “less” doesn’t mean “not at all.” Fear not: if you are a tourist, just make sure you have pre-arranged a meeting or two through the dating web sites. You won't be disappointed.
Q--Any tips on behavior so the Ugly American syndrome doesn’t make the girl throw up her hands and run screaming for the exit?
A--
· You’ll definitely have fun if you look nice and behave properly. In other words, don’t dress and groom like a backpacker and don’t be Bluto of Animal House.
· Don’t be culturally arrogant but by the same token, don’t be kumbayah about communicating with these “lovely people.” The latter is equally condescending, not to mention silly.
· Eschew the animated, gesticulating, making-goofy-mug-shots, loud-voiced style of youthfully exuberant American humor. Humor is fine with a new Asian date as long as punch lines are universally understood and delivered in a friendly but dignified way.
· Do be nice, unpretentious, well-dressed, a little stylish, with a professional bearing.
· Be clean-shaven, or limit facial hair to the contemporary style of three-day stubble if you’re young and handsome enough to pull that off.
Q--Dating sounds good. What’s the deal with finding a potential wife?
A--As I mentioned, Asian women, except for the Japanese, generally don’t waste your time if they’re not truly interested in you. In my experience it seemed like they were hearing wedding bells after three dates.
Q--What about Asian women in the United States? Are they just as nice? Do the same descriptions apply as those in East Asia?
A--In the United States they are surrounded by white males, who are not exactly a novelty in this country, except probably in LA. Attractive Oriental women are much sought after everywhere outside Asia, and these women have a lot of choices. ‘Nuf said?
Q--How do the cultural differences affect the relationship on a long-term basis? Don’t we have completely different values?
A--Not necessarily, and I think the Chinese, Malaysian-Indians, Thais, Filipinas and Vietnamese get along well with Western men. On the other hand, very frankly, I find the cultural differences between Japanese women and American or British males are usually too great to sustain a long-term relationship. LTRs with women in Japan are thus not recommended by this reporter, who has seen mostly disasters in this regard with some exceptions. The two cultures are simply too incompatible. Korean culture is another one that can be extremely difficult for Americans to adapt to. Not having been to Korea, however, I will defer to your own research and other experts. One peculiar aspect of Asian culture is worth noting: most women and even many men continue to live with their parents until they marry, even if they don’t marry until 40! Not only that, but they still tend to obey their parents.
Country-by-country dating profiles
MALAYSIA
Simply put, Malaysian women are among the most beautiful in the world. With the palm-lined tropical environment and incredible beauties everywhere, you’ll feel like you’re in Hawaii. And I’m not the only expat to have said that. If you’re not Muslim, you might want to avoid the majority Malays, who are all Muslims. Not that there’s anything wrong with a Muslim Malay woman; it’s just that such a union will most likely cause all kinds of problems with her family. For one thing, they’ll expect you to convert. With all the wonderful Chinese, Indian and mixed women in Malaysia and Singapore, who wants to convert to Islam just for the sake of love? If you’re religiously inclined toward Islam, obviously that’s a different matter. But scratch below the surface, allowing for the modern Kuala Lumpur disco set, and you’ll find that Malays are generally not friendly toward Americans--and becoming Muslim does not help much.
The Chinese are even more beautiful than their mainland counterparts, and, unlike the latter, often amazingly, dazzlingly shapely in build (must be the climate and food). They offer all the advantages of mainland Chinese without any of the culturally traditional disadvantages, and most of them speak English. Yes, it’s all there. They are loving, sexy, loyal, passionate, smart.
Culturally--from a Western viewpoint--there are two kinds of Chinese in Malaysia: the so-called English-educated ones who went to local English-medium schools…and Chinese-educated people. The English-educated women tend to be a bit more Western-influenced, open-minded and tolerant of Western cultures. Those educated in Chinese can be a hard nut to crack. How to meet any kind of Malaysian woman? Go back to my Q&A section.
Ditto the Indians. They offer the advantages of a more or less Western orientation without all the traditional caste nonsense of the mother country. And, yes, they are lovely, sweet and passionate. Trust me.
PHILIPPINES
Here is one country in Asia that is, unlike the others, US-oriented, thanks to American imperial history. We were considerably more laissez-faire as colonialists than the World War II Japanese, put it that way. Probably half of all Filipinas would like to marry a Westerner. Many have relatives in the U.S. and would like to live there, and most speak English.
Most people are also Catholic. Beware the strict Catholics in the Philippines--they are really strict and religious. That’s no fun. Also beware that all the Filipinas on the dating sites seem to have two young children. That’s no fun either, unless you enjoy inheriting some other jerk’s little brats. I know, I know--now I sound like Christopher Moltisanti in The Sopranos. Let me put it another way: it’s no fun if you’re a typical young bachelor who prefers his dates unencumbered by children. Of course there’s nothing wrong with having an instant family, if you fall in love deeply enough with the single mom. But thanks to Catholic influence over the government, there is no divorce in the Philippines--so lots of luck. Annulments are possible, however.
But disclaimers aside, let me be clear: in the Manila area, millions of attractive women are childless and free of religious restraints. I was there twice in 2007, each time arriving with pre-arranged meetings via www.filipinofriendfinder.com. And each time I was not disappointed. On my first date, I took a chance and asked the young woman, who was at her office when I called, if she felt like joining me at the hotel pool. She happened to have her bikini in her bag and thought it was a great idea! The indoor pool was deserted, there was a large column to hide behind and…well, I’ll leave it up to your fervent imaginations. What--me kiss and tell? I tried the same invitation with a different woman and was politely and graciously turned down, but we still met elsewhere. (I don’t need to tell you that an American woman would be beside herself with indignation.) All this and I was 57 years old and way past my prime in looks. Imagine what will happen to you in Manila if you're a little younger, half-decent-looking, and resourceful.
Filipinas are sexy, loyal and passionate. They wake you up in the middle of the night because they want more. They want marriage, but they want some fun in the meantime.
SINGAPORE
Similar to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, socially speaking, except the place is run by the efficient, majority Chinese, not the Malays, who are a minority here. Singapore, like Hong Kong, is a sophisticated city with sophisticated, well-educated people, and it’s a small island-state. I don’t think it’s as easy to find love as it is in KL.
THAILAND
As I said before, forget about the “Hey Joe, buy me dlink?” girls. Who wants to pay for somebody’s time unless he or she is an estate lawyer for your dear departed Uncle Trump? It’s not that difficult to meet authentic women if you follow the steps in my Q&A section. I know, because my current girlfriend is a ranking official in the Thai Ministry of Education. Language barriers can be problematical, as most locals do not speak English. Maybe that’s why the Western lager-louts head for the girlie bars, where denizens have PhDs in applied bar-girl linguistics. A special note: It is common for old geezers from the West to settle down with young girls in the North and live happily ever after. It is poor up there, and families tend to give daughters their blessing to marry the gnarled old Westerners, who build or buy nice houses and live like kings. At least the girls get to live in comfort, and the aged lager-lout is happy as a cat with a lifetime supply of fresh tuna.
JAPAN
The good news is, Japanese women are incredibly attractive, and Japan, with its sex-based culture, must be the easiest place in the world enjoy one-night stands if you know what to do--a learning curve that’s not very steep. I knew a Western man who would ride the Tokyo subways and set his sights on any attractive young woman riding alone. He’d approach her with a very simple line: “Are you a student?” A few minutes of small talk and the girl would usually get off the train with him. I once went to the International Center in Nagoya with the idea of posting my bulletin board notice as private English tutor. Two reasonably attractive women were there, scanning the notices. I gave each of them my card...and soon wound up really enjoying their company (though not at the same time). And remember, I am terrible at meeting strange women in public. If I can do it, any Mortimer R. Snerd can do it, provided you look half-decent. If you happen to be overweight and bald, it is very helpful to “compensate” by being a smooth-talker and making them giggle. The Japanese value mostly looks and smooth talk. I wasn’t smooth, but I looked OK, and I was a professional there, a university lecturer.
Japanese housewives above 35 or so are famous for being sexually frustrated. I was approached by many of them during my four years in Japan.
The bad news is, the younger Japanese women consider gaijin (foreigners of a different race) good for “sampling” only. Japan is a highly--shall we say--conformist society, and women do not want to be ostracized. Even if they do enter into a long-term relationship or marriage with you, chances are they’ll eventually be looking down on you as part of an inferior culture and intellect. The exception to this rule is the older housewives and divorcées, who are usually very sincere.
CHINA (mainland)
Now we’re talking. Chinese women are as beautiful as the Japanese, but we can actually get along with them. They look you in the eye and laugh heartily, eschewing the cutesy-poo baby mannerisms you see in Japan. In terms of romance, there are two kinds: highly traditional, often older women, and the more contemporary younger ones. Some traditional ladies in their 50s don’t even have a clue what sex is. I knew a 50-year-old Chinese doctor of traditional medicine who, until her second marriage in the United States, had thought sex was simply an expected chore in which she lay spread-eagled and said, “OK, hurry now, get finished.” I suspect that sort of thing is vanishing, however. By the early 1990s, mainland Chinese women in their late 20s could be very open and passionate. That would make them about 45 now, and doubtless even lustier than before.
What makes modern Chinese women so different from Americans is their complete lack of guilt in the sex act and the consequent joy they take in it. Not that they sleep around with just anybody. They do have to like you first, and date a few times.
Someone in Japan once told me, “Oh, don’t get a Chinese dragon lady!” Do dragon ladies (i.e., evil, rude bitches) exist in China? Yes, but they don’t play games. If they’re dragon ladies, they act like dragon ladies. You can spot them a mile away, or as soon as they open their mouths. On the other hand, Chinese women who act sweet two dates in a row really are sweet. Now isn’t that a refreshing change. But I said before, and I mean it, they are nobody’s kitchen slaves. They are real women.
But are they loyal and faithful, sexually speaking? Frankly, I wouldn’t count on it. It depends on the degree to which they are traditional as opposed to contemporary in mores, and I suppose it depends on how much the woman loves you. Chinese students in Nagoya, Japan who had husbands back in China were famous for their samplings of Nagoya-based Westerners. Sometimes they’d get phone calls from the hubbies while the Western man was in bed with them. Speaking to the husband, they’d “darling” this and “darling” that and, after hanging up, pick up right where they left off in the sex department.
As for finances, beware, Hercules! In mainland China the woman controls all the money, even if every penny is earned by the husband. I knew a British expat in Dubai married to a mainland Chinese, a young, pretty woman, and definitely not a Brunhilda-Mighty-Battle-Maiden type. (Well…who knows? My 5’2”, 103-lb girlfriend from Chengdu was strong enough to lift me up in the air easily, and I was 5’11” and 170 lbs!) Anyway, she had him on a short leash, allowing him only $4 a day spending money while at work, and he had to take the bus. If he didn’t have bus fare, too bad, he had to walk or find a ride. Before entering into a marriage with a mainland Chinese, you’d do well to negotiate these cultural differences if you don’t feel like walking 20 miles home from work every day for 20 years and then retiring broke! Or at least you should find out how physically strong she is.
Not that many speak English. I suppose it’s easier to find English-speakers in the large cities, especially Beijing, Hong Kong, Guangzhou and Shanghai. Seek out college-educated women, who are more likely to speak English and have modern outlooks on life.
HONG KONG
Ooh. Tough place to date. Better be James Bond, Bill Gates or the Smooth Operator Sade sang about.
Meeting venues and visas: practical advice
A lot of false information gets disseminated about getting your woman-friend into the States, assuming both of you wish to live in the U.S. and not her home country. Some people moan and complain that the only purpose of a US consular officer is to say “No.” That is nonsense. The couples who have had a lot of trouble obtaining marriage-based visas are those who previously abused US immigration rules. For example, I know of a case in which the woman had previously studied in the U.S. on a J-1 scholar visa that required her to return to her home country for at least two years after completion of her degree. She failed to abide by that rule, and experienced nothing but visa problems later when she married an American and tried to get her green card. If you follow the simple rules, the US government is not in the business of keeping families apart.
Here are the facts:
· Unless your girlfriend is from Japan, most likely she will not have a US visitor visa and will not be able to get one. (Japanese nationals do not need a visa to enter the U.S.) Single women from Asian countries outside Japan have a difficult time getting US visitor visas because of a long history of some of them overstaying or abusing their visas. Ask your girlfriend if she happens to have such a visa first. It’s not unheard of. If she has one, she can visit you in the States if she trusts you and if you spring for the ticket.
· In most cases regarding a woman from an Asian nation, the only way for you to meet her in person is to travel to her country.
· Should the two of you decide to marry, the fastest and easiest way to obtain a US residence visa for your wife is to marry her in her home country. Then apply for the visa at the US consulate or embassy. I was working in Saudi Arabia when, during a vacation, I married my Malaysian girlfriend in Malaysia. After she joined me in Saudi Arabia, it took only a couple of months to process her American residence visa through the U.S. embassy.
· "Fiancée” visas do exist but they are more onerous than marriage-based visas. Avoid if at all possible.
Originally from Connecticut, Jack Flowers is a professional free-lance writer, specializing in political humor and satire. Now based in Houston, at age 59 he has spent almost 35 years in 10 countries worldwide, including six years in East Asia. He has been a lecturer in English at overseas universities and corporations since 1986. "Jack Flowers" is a pseudonym from the protagonist of one of the writer's favorite movies, Saint Jack, about an American (Ben Gazzara) in Singapore deeply involved with local women.
for Westerners
by Jack Flowers
Welcome to the most extensive, comprehensive and helpful free article anywhere about dating Asian women!
This article contains four sections:
* Introduction
* FAQs
* Country-by-country profile of dating in East Asia
* Meeting venues and visas: practical advice
Introduction
First of all, what do I mean by “Westerners?" In East Asia, “Western” refers to a Caucasian from North America, Europe, Australia or New Zealand. In this article the term “Asian” will refer to East Asia and “Oriental” women, with the notable exception that Malaysia and Singapore both have a substantial Indian minority.
Do Asian women in Asia welcome other ethnic groups besides Asian and Western? The answer is yes, but not always. They are especially popular in Japan, where handsome and smooth-talking African-American men are particularly sought after among many of the trendier Tokyo beauties. (Smooth talk goes a long way in Japan, but more about that later.)
And who am I to be giving out advice? What can I say--except that I have spent 34 years living in 10 countries worldwide outside the U.S. I dated Asians--Indians, Malays, Chinese, Thais, Filipinas and Japanese--for many years before finally marrying, at age 43, a Chinese from Malaysia. We were married for 13 years. I am divorced now, but that had nothing to do with our being from different cultures. My current paramour is from Thailand.
Asian women--except for those in Japan, which is a unique society--generally don’t play the games American women do. They either like you or they don’t. If they’re not interested in you, they don’t waste everybody’s time playing games. In that case a polite goodbye is the order of the day. If they do like you, on the other hand, they don’t waste your time being confused. The attitude is this: if two people like each other, let’s get on with it. I don’t mean you should necessarily expect to become intimate on the first date. You have to show some respect. But you’ll be rewarded very soon, within two or three dates (often only one).You’ll be rewarded not only with sex but with love.
Three important points: (a) Asians are very close to their families. It helps to ingratiate yourself with your girlfriend's family if that's what she desires. (b) Great news: outside of Japan, your age is generally not a factor. I mean that. (c) For information about dating Asian-Americans, I recommend the down-loadable book How to Date an Asian Woman (by another author). This book complements my article because while the former is strictly about dating in East Asia, the latter is very useful for USA-based relationships. It covers not only dating itself (in greater detail) but also the cultural and religious backdrops--explanations, for example, of Buddhism and how it influences the values and behaviors of Asians.
FAQs
Q--Is it true that Asian women are passive and obedient?
A--No. They simply affect a more reserved and modest behavior than what you're used to with Western women. Asian women, especially Chinese, are nobody’s kitchen slaves, so forget about it if that’s what you’re after. Certainly, many like to cook for you. But many don’t, and besides, you’d better help out in the kitchen. In short, be prepared to treat your Asian girlfriend or wife the way you want to be treated, or be prepared to be rejected.
Q--Aren’t they mostly bargirls, since these countries are so poor?
A--Another dumb stereotype. You’ll find bargirls in Bangkok and other places, but why bother with them when there are so many real Asian women available? I never dated anybody whose time I had to pay for, and neither should you. I don’t understand the Western men who do that in Asia. How--shall we say--unnecessary. Furthermore, many Asian countries are not the poor places they used to be. They don’t need us to rescue them from anything. Which brings me to the next question:
Q--Ok, so why do some Asian women seem to go for Western men?
A--Western men are often thought of as treating women better and more as equals; as more romantic and sexually passionate than local men. Yes--as equals. That’s why it’s a gross error to think you can go look for an Asian woman to be your 1950s Hollywood fantasy of coy little housekeeper.
Q--Are Asian women really so coy and cutsie-girlish, like in the old movies?
A--No. They’re sexy and sophisticated. Forget the silly stereotypes you see in the old movies, and TV shows such as MASH. They are about as accurate as portraying Wall Street brokers with ten-gallon cowboy hats yelling “Wahl, howdy ma’am. Hoo-wee! This here derivative is buckin’ like a bronc!” Hollywood can’t even get the accents right. To this day, the Asians on TV and in film have stock phony accents they pull off the shelf. And I refused to watch the film version of Memoirs of a Geisha because the lead cast is dominated by Chinese, not Japanese, and these ladies could never even pass for Japanese. Their features are very typically Chinese. Personally, I would prefer to watch Chinese beauties, but come on...where's the authenticity?
Q--What percentage of Asian women actually like Western men? Surely, some prefer their own?
A--Correct. I would say, in general, only 10 to 20% of women in East Asian countries would prefer to date or marry a Western man. That doesn’t mean that the other 80% never would. Perhaps most would not, being more comfortable in their own culture. Others simply don’t know much about other cultures.
Q--So how do I find the ones who like westerners?
A--In order of preference, (1) Find a local friend who can introduce you. That’s how I “got started,” if you will, in Malaysia. (2) Obviously, if you are good at chatting with strangers, find out where the best night spots are for meeting women. I was sitting outside a Hard Rock Café in Kuala Lumpur one evening when a friend of mine said “Oh, lots of sexy girls in the disco room downstairs.” I went down to find a beautiful Sarawakian (East Malaysian) staring at me. Normally I am absolutely terrible at talking to strange women in bars. I am shy and don’t like to bother people. But her smile and stare were so welcoming that I went up to chat, and we went out the next night. It’s so much easier than in the U.S. No pickup lines needed, and it’s not necessary to make her laugh, although that always helps. American women demand that men entertain them with stand-up comic routines. Phooey on that. (3) Try any local brick-and-mortar introduction agencies. (4) The Internet is extremely helpful for arranging meetings before and after you arrive. Some of the best I have used are www.filipinofriendfinder.com, www.asiafriendfinder.com, www.chinalovematch.net, http://www.chnlove.com. There are many, many others. Just Google “Asian dating” or “Chinese women” or “Find Asian girls” or whatever. If you wish to find an Asian within the United States, www.match.com is a great place to start. You can set your search parameters by ethnicity.
Caution: NEVER send money to someone you’ve never met. The scammers (particularly in the Philippines) roam the Internet by the hundreds looking to separate you from your money. “Sure, honey, I’ll be on my way to the airport tomorrow to meet you in Manila.. I just need flight ticket money and taxi money, blah blah blah...” Or “Darling, I can only afford two minutes a day at an internet café. Can you help me buy a computer so we can be together online until we really meet? We can share our love together with a webcam, blah blah blah…” Some scammers are she-males: now there’s a double-scam for you--you lose your money to a woman who’s not even a woman!
Q--What about the ones who do prefer a Western man. Do they just want rich guys and professionals?
A--There is a general preference for educated professionals, yes, because the Western expats who work in Asia are mostly well-paid professionals or businessmen. But even if you are a poorly paid English instructor at a local university, at least it’s a university, and you have some prestige. Most expats living in Asia have prestige through their jobs. The sad exceptions are those lower-qualified English teachers in the language-schools. What a rat race that is, and without local prestige. Avoid like the plague. As for tourists? Tourists are tourists, and they’ll be leaving soon, which makes them less attractive in a local woman’s eyes. But “less” doesn’t mean “not at all.” Fear not: if you are a tourist, just make sure you have pre-arranged a meeting or two through the dating web sites. You won't be disappointed.
Q--Any tips on behavior so the Ugly American syndrome doesn’t make the girl throw up her hands and run screaming for the exit?
A--
· You’ll definitely have fun if you look nice and behave properly. In other words, don’t dress and groom like a backpacker and don’t be Bluto of Animal House.
· Don’t be culturally arrogant but by the same token, don’t be kumbayah about communicating with these “lovely people.” The latter is equally condescending, not to mention silly.
· Eschew the animated, gesticulating, making-goofy-mug-shots, loud-voiced style of youthfully exuberant American humor. Humor is fine with a new Asian date as long as punch lines are universally understood and delivered in a friendly but dignified way.
· Do be nice, unpretentious, well-dressed, a little stylish, with a professional bearing.
· Be clean-shaven, or limit facial hair to the contemporary style of three-day stubble if you’re young and handsome enough to pull that off.
Q--Dating sounds good. What’s the deal with finding a potential wife?
A--As I mentioned, Asian women, except for the Japanese, generally don’t waste your time if they’re not truly interested in you. In my experience it seemed like they were hearing wedding bells after three dates.
Q--What about Asian women in the United States? Are they just as nice? Do the same descriptions apply as those in East Asia?
A--In the United States they are surrounded by white males, who are not exactly a novelty in this country, except probably in LA. Attractive Oriental women are much sought after everywhere outside Asia, and these women have a lot of choices. ‘Nuf said?
Q--How do the cultural differences affect the relationship on a long-term basis? Don’t we have completely different values?
A--Not necessarily, and I think the Chinese, Malaysian-Indians, Thais, Filipinas and Vietnamese get along well with Western men. On the other hand, very frankly, I find the cultural differences between Japanese women and American or British males are usually too great to sustain a long-term relationship. LTRs with women in Japan are thus not recommended by this reporter, who has seen mostly disasters in this regard with some exceptions. The two cultures are simply too incompatible. Korean culture is another one that can be extremely difficult for Americans to adapt to. Not having been to Korea, however, I will defer to your own research and other experts. One peculiar aspect of Asian culture is worth noting: most women and even many men continue to live with their parents until they marry, even if they don’t marry until 40! Not only that, but they still tend to obey their parents.
Country-by-country dating profiles
MALAYSIA
Simply put, Malaysian women are among the most beautiful in the world. With the palm-lined tropical environment and incredible beauties everywhere, you’ll feel like you’re in Hawaii. And I’m not the only expat to have said that. If you’re not Muslim, you might want to avoid the majority Malays, who are all Muslims. Not that there’s anything wrong with a Muslim Malay woman; it’s just that such a union will most likely cause all kinds of problems with her family. For one thing, they’ll expect you to convert. With all the wonderful Chinese, Indian and mixed women in Malaysia and Singapore, who wants to convert to Islam just for the sake of love? If you’re religiously inclined toward Islam, obviously that’s a different matter. But scratch below the surface, allowing for the modern Kuala Lumpur disco set, and you’ll find that Malays are generally not friendly toward Americans--and becoming Muslim does not help much.
The Chinese are even more beautiful than their mainland counterparts, and, unlike the latter, often amazingly, dazzlingly shapely in build (must be the climate and food). They offer all the advantages of mainland Chinese without any of the culturally traditional disadvantages, and most of them speak English. Yes, it’s all there. They are loving, sexy, loyal, passionate, smart.
Culturally--from a Western viewpoint--there are two kinds of Chinese in Malaysia: the so-called English-educated ones who went to local English-medium schools…and Chinese-educated people. The English-educated women tend to be a bit more Western-influenced, open-minded and tolerant of Western cultures. Those educated in Chinese can be a hard nut to crack. How to meet any kind of Malaysian woman? Go back to my Q&A section.
Ditto the Indians. They offer the advantages of a more or less Western orientation without all the traditional caste nonsense of the mother country. And, yes, they are lovely, sweet and passionate. Trust me.
PHILIPPINES
Here is one country in Asia that is, unlike the others, US-oriented, thanks to American imperial history. We were considerably more laissez-faire as colonialists than the World War II Japanese, put it that way. Probably half of all Filipinas would like to marry a Westerner. Many have relatives in the U.S. and would like to live there, and most speak English.
Most people are also Catholic. Beware the strict Catholics in the Philippines--they are really strict and religious. That’s no fun. Also beware that all the Filipinas on the dating sites seem to have two young children. That’s no fun either, unless you enjoy inheriting some other jerk’s little brats. I know, I know--now I sound like Christopher Moltisanti in The Sopranos. Let me put it another way: it’s no fun if you’re a typical young bachelor who prefers his dates unencumbered by children. Of course there’s nothing wrong with having an instant family, if you fall in love deeply enough with the single mom. But thanks to Catholic influence over the government, there is no divorce in the Philippines--so lots of luck. Annulments are possible, however.
But disclaimers aside, let me be clear: in the Manila area, millions of attractive women are childless and free of religious restraints. I was there twice in 2007, each time arriving with pre-arranged meetings via www.filipinofriendfinder.com. And each time I was not disappointed. On my first date, I took a chance and asked the young woman, who was at her office when I called, if she felt like joining me at the hotel pool. She happened to have her bikini in her bag and thought it was a great idea! The indoor pool was deserted, there was a large column to hide behind and…well, I’ll leave it up to your fervent imaginations. What--me kiss and tell? I tried the same invitation with a different woman and was politely and graciously turned down, but we still met elsewhere. (I don’t need to tell you that an American woman would be beside herself with indignation.) All this and I was 57 years old and way past my prime in looks. Imagine what will happen to you in Manila if you're a little younger, half-decent-looking, and resourceful.
Filipinas are sexy, loyal and passionate. They wake you up in the middle of the night because they want more. They want marriage, but they want some fun in the meantime.
SINGAPORE
Similar to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, socially speaking, except the place is run by the efficient, majority Chinese, not the Malays, who are a minority here. Singapore, like Hong Kong, is a sophisticated city with sophisticated, well-educated people, and it’s a small island-state. I don’t think it’s as easy to find love as it is in KL.
THAILAND
As I said before, forget about the “Hey Joe, buy me dlink?” girls. Who wants to pay for somebody’s time unless he or she is an estate lawyer for your dear departed Uncle Trump? It’s not that difficult to meet authentic women if you follow the steps in my Q&A section. I know, because my current girlfriend is a ranking official in the Thai Ministry of Education. Language barriers can be problematical, as most locals do not speak English. Maybe that’s why the Western lager-louts head for the girlie bars, where denizens have PhDs in applied bar-girl linguistics. A special note: It is common for old geezers from the West to settle down with young girls in the North and live happily ever after. It is poor up there, and families tend to give daughters their blessing to marry the gnarled old Westerners, who build or buy nice houses and live like kings. At least the girls get to live in comfort, and the aged lager-lout is happy as a cat with a lifetime supply of fresh tuna.
JAPAN
The good news is, Japanese women are incredibly attractive, and Japan, with its sex-based culture, must be the easiest place in the world enjoy one-night stands if you know what to do--a learning curve that’s not very steep. I knew a Western man who would ride the Tokyo subways and set his sights on any attractive young woman riding alone. He’d approach her with a very simple line: “Are you a student?” A few minutes of small talk and the girl would usually get off the train with him. I once went to the International Center in Nagoya with the idea of posting my bulletin board notice as private English tutor. Two reasonably attractive women were there, scanning the notices. I gave each of them my card...and soon wound up really enjoying their company (though not at the same time). And remember, I am terrible at meeting strange women in public. If I can do it, any Mortimer R. Snerd can do it, provided you look half-decent. If you happen to be overweight and bald, it is very helpful to “compensate” by being a smooth-talker and making them giggle. The Japanese value mostly looks and smooth talk. I wasn’t smooth, but I looked OK, and I was a professional there, a university lecturer.
Japanese housewives above 35 or so are famous for being sexually frustrated. I was approached by many of them during my four years in Japan.
The bad news is, the younger Japanese women consider gaijin (foreigners of a different race) good for “sampling” only. Japan is a highly--shall we say--conformist society, and women do not want to be ostracized. Even if they do enter into a long-term relationship or marriage with you, chances are they’ll eventually be looking down on you as part of an inferior culture and intellect. The exception to this rule is the older housewives and divorcées, who are usually very sincere.
CHINA (mainland)
Now we’re talking. Chinese women are as beautiful as the Japanese, but we can actually get along with them. They look you in the eye and laugh heartily, eschewing the cutesy-poo baby mannerisms you see in Japan. In terms of romance, there are two kinds: highly traditional, often older women, and the more contemporary younger ones. Some traditional ladies in their 50s don’t even have a clue what sex is. I knew a 50-year-old Chinese doctor of traditional medicine who, until her second marriage in the United States, had thought sex was simply an expected chore in which she lay spread-eagled and said, “OK, hurry now, get finished.” I suspect that sort of thing is vanishing, however. By the early 1990s, mainland Chinese women in their late 20s could be very open and passionate. That would make them about 45 now, and doubtless even lustier than before.
What makes modern Chinese women so different from Americans is their complete lack of guilt in the sex act and the consequent joy they take in it. Not that they sleep around with just anybody. They do have to like you first, and date a few times.
Someone in Japan once told me, “Oh, don’t get a Chinese dragon lady!” Do dragon ladies (i.e., evil, rude bitches) exist in China? Yes, but they don’t play games. If they’re dragon ladies, they act like dragon ladies. You can spot them a mile away, or as soon as they open their mouths. On the other hand, Chinese women who act sweet two dates in a row really are sweet. Now isn’t that a refreshing change. But I said before, and I mean it, they are nobody’s kitchen slaves. They are real women.
But are they loyal and faithful, sexually speaking? Frankly, I wouldn’t count on it. It depends on the degree to which they are traditional as opposed to contemporary in mores, and I suppose it depends on how much the woman loves you. Chinese students in Nagoya, Japan who had husbands back in China were famous for their samplings of Nagoya-based Westerners. Sometimes they’d get phone calls from the hubbies while the Western man was in bed with them. Speaking to the husband, they’d “darling” this and “darling” that and, after hanging up, pick up right where they left off in the sex department.
As for finances, beware, Hercules! In mainland China the woman controls all the money, even if every penny is earned by the husband. I knew a British expat in Dubai married to a mainland Chinese, a young, pretty woman, and definitely not a Brunhilda-Mighty-Battle-Maiden type. (Well…who knows? My 5’2”, 103-lb girlfriend from Chengdu was strong enough to lift me up in the air easily, and I was 5’11” and 170 lbs!) Anyway, she had him on a short leash, allowing him only $4 a day spending money while at work, and he had to take the bus. If he didn’t have bus fare, too bad, he had to walk or find a ride. Before entering into a marriage with a mainland Chinese, you’d do well to negotiate these cultural differences if you don’t feel like walking 20 miles home from work every day for 20 years and then retiring broke! Or at least you should find out how physically strong she is.
Not that many speak English. I suppose it’s easier to find English-speakers in the large cities, especially Beijing, Hong Kong, Guangzhou and Shanghai. Seek out college-educated women, who are more likely to speak English and have modern outlooks on life.
HONG KONG
Ooh. Tough place to date. Better be James Bond, Bill Gates or the Smooth Operator Sade sang about.
Meeting venues and visas: practical advice
A lot of false information gets disseminated about getting your woman-friend into the States, assuming both of you wish to live in the U.S. and not her home country. Some people moan and complain that the only purpose of a US consular officer is to say “No.” That is nonsense. The couples who have had a lot of trouble obtaining marriage-based visas are those who previously abused US immigration rules. For example, I know of a case in which the woman had previously studied in the U.S. on a J-1 scholar visa that required her to return to her home country for at least two years after completion of her degree. She failed to abide by that rule, and experienced nothing but visa problems later when she married an American and tried to get her green card. If you follow the simple rules, the US government is not in the business of keeping families apart.
Here are the facts:
· Unless your girlfriend is from Japan, most likely she will not have a US visitor visa and will not be able to get one. (Japanese nationals do not need a visa to enter the U.S.) Single women from Asian countries outside Japan have a difficult time getting US visitor visas because of a long history of some of them overstaying or abusing their visas. Ask your girlfriend if she happens to have such a visa first. It’s not unheard of. If she has one, she can visit you in the States if she trusts you and if you spring for the ticket.
· In most cases regarding a woman from an Asian nation, the only way for you to meet her in person is to travel to her country.
· Should the two of you decide to marry, the fastest and easiest way to obtain a US residence visa for your wife is to marry her in her home country. Then apply for the visa at the US consulate or embassy. I was working in Saudi Arabia when, during a vacation, I married my Malaysian girlfriend in Malaysia. After she joined me in Saudi Arabia, it took only a couple of months to process her American residence visa through the U.S. embassy.
· "Fiancée” visas do exist but they are more onerous than marriage-based visas. Avoid if at all possible.
Originally from Connecticut, Jack Flowers is a professional free-lance writer, specializing in political humor and satire. Now based in Houston, at age 59 he has spent almost 35 years in 10 countries worldwide, including six years in East Asia. He has been a lecturer in English at overseas universities and corporations since 1986. "Jack Flowers" is a pseudonym from the protagonist of one of the writer's favorite movies, Saint Jack, about an American (Ben Gazzara) in Singapore deeply involved with local women.
Chinese Olympic (2008) diver Guo Jinjing. A real woman, not a model. Well, OK, now that she's retired from Olympic swimming, she is modeling. In my article I emphasize repeatedly that women in Asia are not only the most beautiful in the world--they are also just as liberated as Western women. The difference is, they actually like men.
Hair dyed brown or blondish has been the fashion in East Asia for some years now.
The American film and TV industries portray all Asian women as boyishly-built anorexic models. But in Malaysia in particular, and throughout Asia as well, many women are amazingly, dazzlingly shapely. Moreover, except for Japan and Korea, such curves are unlikely to have been surgically enhanced.
I can't resist. Will you marry me, Jie? Want a Mercedes? No problem, but you can afford it better than I can.
China tennis star Zheng Jie: beauty and phenomenal power
This may be a Japanese model, but women with looks like this are all over East Asia.
Women in East Asia don't normally dress like this, so obviously she's a model for some girlie web site. That doesn't mean she's not real. Voluptuous (and physically powerful) women are not rare in Asia.
Thirty-year-old Chinese gymnast Liu Xuan: a classic beauty.
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